Original post date: 8/9/2013

1. The People vs. My People

It has come to my attention that some of my close personal peeps are a little concerned about what the hell this blog is turning into. I’m told that I need a plan. I’m asked what I want out of it. The only answer I can come up with is “I don’t know” which is becoming the central theme in my life.

Common questions to which my answer is “I don’t know” or “Fuck, I don’t fucking know, leave me alone.” :

• Where are you?
• Why does ‘Erin Who?’ matter to you so much?
• What’s the point?
• What’s the end goal?
• Why have you eaten so much chocolate today? You want to get fat?
• Why are you still in bed at 2:30pm?
• Why don’t you write about how you’re not just some slut or random bitch and throw something positive in there?
• Why don’t you go out and get a real job?

…and the list goes on.

Listen, I had a great job and an impressive salary for someone my age without a degree. And now I don’t. It’s that simple. Yes, I could get back into an office as a marketing writer/editor, but I don’t think it would make me happy and at this point, I don’t know what will. I mean, I know that I want to write, but I’m so nervous to make a move in any direction because I don’t know what I’m going to be when I grow up. I’m paralyzed right now, so I’m just kind of…avoiding life. The truth is, I don’t know where I’m going with ‘Erin Who?’ and right now I don’t think I need to because I’m still trying to figure it out.

Okay, so the next issue. I don’t really know why I refer to myself in distasteful and actually really insulting ways. I guess I figure that if I own it and say it before anyone else does, it makes me feel better. But that’s not to say that I’m totally okay with anyone else calling me a slut, because when it comes down to it, I know I’m really intelligent and I know I have the ability to do really great things…and MY peeps want me to share that as well as the whore-y stuff. It’s just that THE people want the whore-y stuff. So where’s the balance?

I guess the point is that I want people to know I’m actually a lot more than what I think I’ve let on thus far (I have references and I’m not afraid to use them.) Yeah man, I’m vulgar. For sure, I’m crude and raunchy. I’m definitely intense and loud and in your face. But I sum it all up as I’m just not a bullshitter and never have been. And I’m ok with that. So keep that in mind while reading my stories.

2. That Time When the High Profile Potential Craigslist Sugar Daddy Stood Me Up and I Felt like a Stupid Idiot

I wrote this last night in the Notes app on my phone.

August 8^th, 2013 – 8:36pm

Here I am, sitting in my car outside the decided place that I would meet this potential sugar daddy (SugDad™ – heh). I was here at 8 (because if homeboy is going to shower me with money and presents and ponies, you’re damn right I’m going to be on time even when I have to stop for gas on the way), then he said something came up and he couldn’t make it ‘til 9. It’s 8:36. Part of me is like “Why the fuck am I sitting here like this? Bitch, get a clue, he’s obviously not coming.” And the other part is like “That’s what she said, plus I’m desperate and if waiting an hour pays my rent, ima do it. So shut your filthy mouth.”

8:39pm
Well I’m going to smoke another cigarette now while wondering how this is my life.

A little back story: This guy? Oh he fancy. Or so Google and Instagram told me. High profile. Friends with Betty White and Heidi Klum. I seent the pics. So like…obviously I’m waiting right? (Right?!) Even if he’s entirely full of shit, I’ve got nothing to lose except…my dignity…and my rent…BUT if he shows…I’ve got nothing to lose except…my dignity…and my life…? Nah, public place. Totes legit.

This is me prioritizing, all right? Baby girl has bills to pay. Ya know, I could always go and get a real job…but I mean, nobody wants that. It’s a much better idea to drain my savings account and live on credit for as long as possible and hope that something awesome falls into my lap. Oh god, am I turning into the weird uncle who is always unemployed but “has some things lined up”? I totally am, god damnit.

8:44pm
Seriously I’m waiting until 9 and then fuck it. I swear, if this is a SugDad™ catfish situation, I don’t think I could come back from that. And I’m not naïve but I’m feeling a little like it. Also, I just realized that there has been a guy in the car next to me this whole time. Omg what if that’s him. Holyshitomgwhatifthatshimsocreepyomg.

8:45pm
Wasn’t him.

9pm
Texted him. Fuck this.

Then I went to my friend’s house and did yoga and got all sad bastard-y and that was my night.

So this morning I received a number of texts from SugDad™. Below you will find an exaggerated version of the exchange.

SugDad™: “Omg my friend got arrested and I had to go bail her out. I’m so sorry. So so soooooo sorry baby.”
Me: “It’s ok even though I’m nursing my ego today.” (In my head: Why did you just call me baby?)
SD™: “What is your weekend like? I will make it up to you.”
Me: “Yeah, I have a feeling you’re full of shit.” (In my head: No but really, don’t call me baby.)
SD™: “FaceTime me and you’ll see I’m exactly who I said I am.”
Me: “Nah, that’s not gonna work for me.” (In my head: Because with my luck, you’d just show me your dick and that would be really uncomfortable for me.)
Me: “You let me know when you’re ready to make plans and not stand me up.” (In my head: You should write me a check.)
SD™: “Let’s talk later today. Stand by, my love.”
Me: “Ha. Ok.” (In my head: Ha. Ok. Don’t call me that either. Ever.)

I have a feeling this is not going to be the last post I write about this guy. I really do think he will follow through, but how that benefits me is to be determined. Or I’m just delusional. (This is my life. I’m letting this happen.)

One more thing: I should probably mention that I’m up for an ongoing babysitting gig and meeting with the mom on Sunday. I hope she’s normal. (LOL – Like I have a right to worry about people being weird.)

I really really need to call my therapist. Like two weeks ago.

E