The Threesome That Never Was

Original post date: 9/26/2013

Okay I really need to get on a regular posting schedule because I am the WORST at doing shit on my own time. I am lazy and oftentimes I’m all “Man, do I feel like writing a whore story today? Nah. But if I did, which one would I write about?” And then think about it for a week. I have a weird tendency to turn extremely simple decisions into big dramatic productions. Not kidding, I have literally stood in Target for 15 minutes trying to decide which brand of tampons to buy. I ended up having to call my mom to talk me off the fucking ledge (true story…not the suicidal-over-tampons part, but the indecisive-calling-my-mom-for-help part is true). It’s pretty severe. So I’m thinking that from here on out I will make Thursday the day of new posts. And guess what? IT’S THURSDAY!! I think…yep, just checked and it’s totes Thursday. Welcome to this week’s post.

Today we’re going to talk about the one time I unknowingly agreed to a threesome. The threesome never happened because when I realized what the fuck I’d walked into, I pulled the plug on it real quick. Also, one of the guys involved in this story is a reader of the blog—he and I are still good friends—the other one I still know, but I don’t know if he will read this. To those guys: I will not be sharing names or any information that could potentially reveal your identities. But I do hope you both get a kick out of reading this story from my perspective, especially since we never talked about the incident again.

I will call them simply “Dude 1” and “Dude 2”.

I was 20ish at the time. I’d known these guys for a few years via an old job. Dude 1 and I were friends that eventually (inevitably) slept together; nothing serious, just drunken hookups. He was already somewhat privy to my sexcapades, so he knew I was open to experimentation. Actually, that could be why this incident happened in the first place; I mean obviously there aren’t many topics that I’m uncomfortable discussing and I know that the majority of those topics are ones that most people don’t talk about at all. Especially women. I think maybe I just exude an I’m-a-slut vibe and make people think I’m probably down with anything and everything because I speak so nonchalantly about sex. The thing is that I do have boundaries, but maybe the reason people assume otherwise is because I’m TOO comfortable talking about certain things. Does that even make sense? It does, kind of. Eh.

So one night I’m just laying around at home and Dude 1 texts me from the bar saying he’s heading out soon and do I want to come over and kick it. We had been hooking up fairly often and I was doing nothing so I said yes.

Dude 1: I’m with [Dude 2], you mind if he comes along? Is that weird?
Me: Not at all, the more the merrier! As long as you have weed and beer, I’m down!
Dude 1: (mehhehheh text text texting something flirtatious)

They arrive to pick me up (from my parents’ house ermergerd ser ermbererserng) and I even remember what I was wearing; high school cheerleader-style cut-up-and-tied white baseball team shirt (no idea what team) and no bra. Didn’t need it. Later I’d regret that decision.

Side note: I feel like I always wish I’d worn a bra, but I hate bras. Hate them. If I don’t need to wear one, I don’t. Except then there are those times when I wish I’d worn one; like when I was wearing a white see-through top and took my dog outside but accidentally locked myself out with no phone, no keys, no shoes, no bra, and a hyper dog. Knocking on my next-door neighbor’s door to get a screwdriver was interesting. I tried pulling one of those push-your-shoulders-forward-so-your-nips-don’t-touch-the-shirt moves, but I was unsuccessful. Definitely wasn’t fooling anyone.

We get back to Dude 1’s place and we’re drinking and smoking and having a grand old time. I look at the time and it’s about 1am. I was drunk at this point so I started wondering when Dude 1 was going to call it a night and send Dude 2 on his way, or at least to the couch to pass out. I think we all agreed that the night was winding down, because it got quiet and we sat there staring at each other for a minute. That’s when shit got weird really quick.

I was sitting on the kitchen counter and must have been in I-don’t-know-what-to-say-so-I’m-going-to-make-jokes mode, because somehow the attention shifted to me. I want to say the topic of threesomes came up, but I really can’t be sure, which is bullshit because I wish I knew exactly what set this next part into motion.

Dude 1 comes over to me and shoves his tongue in my mouth. Dude 2 was standing 10ish feet away just kind of…witnessing. I didn’t really feel comfortable making out with 1 in front of 2 because that’s just rude. Like…he’s just standing there! If you want to bang out, tell homeboy to kick rocks and let’s do this!

So I pull away and start to say something and he kisses me again. I’m wondering why he’s being so persistent when Dude 2 is right there. I pull away again and he says, “He doesn’t mind. Do you?” And they’re both looking at me. I laugh uncomfortably and say “Yeah that’s awkward as fuck” and they both start heckling me about it, not in a disrespectful way but just poking fun. I was so fucking confused and a little skeptical, but chalked it up to we were all drunk and they were just being weird as fuck, much like most men of their age and altered state.

After a minute of them giving me a hard time, I say fuck it and grab Dude 1’s face to make out with him. I was just thinking, Okay; you want to make out in front of him? That’s kind of strange but okay, let’s make out. 30 seconds later, his hand comes up, grabs the neckline of my shirt and pulls it down so my bare tits (because remember, I just HAD to not wear a bra) are just…out. I look down, pull up the shirt, and ask him what the fuck he’s doing in a not-kidding kind of way. I was not happy and he could tell.

OKAY I am NOT exaggerating about this next part. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

We made eye contact and at THE EXACT SAME TIME, Dude 1 and I come to a realization that caused us both to take a step back and let out an intense, incredulous, what the fuck kind of “WHOA”.

It was at that moment that I realized he thought I was there to have a threesome and he thought that I was totally in-the-know. They both did. So I’m like…

shocked-gif

And Dude 1 is like…

And Dude 2 is like…

What

I didn’t yell, but I was appalled. At that moment, even though I knew both of them, I got nervous. I was fucking livid, and frankly, pretty god damn insulted.

Me: That’s what this is?! Are you trying to have a threesome?!? Don’t you think we should TALK about that shit first??
Dude 1: You said you were down for [Dude 2] to come, too. I thought…
Me: Are you kidding me???? I thought you meant in case I would feel weird about him being the third wheel JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Dude 1: But you said…
Me: Fuck NO, I never said anything to the effect. And having a threesome is something you speak directly about, not send a text that may or may not imply something that could in any way be perceived as something else. Are you fucking kidding??!!
Dude 1: You said you were down! You said the more the merrier!
Me: …to come over and hang out!!! Seriously??? You thought I wanted to fuck both of you?! That’s the kind of person you think I am?? “Oh yeah, you have a friend with you? Bring him along…the more the merrier in my vagina!!”

It went on like this for a few minutes. Dude 2 may or may not have interjected, but I have no idea…I was beside myself with absolute awe that these guys were so fucking stupid (sorry dudes, but you were) to think that a non-hint via text and a generic response would equate to me getting DP’d. Like, come the fuck on. All that was going through my head was, I am the most up front, non-bullshitter ever. I don’t do subtle. Why would anyone think that subtlety and bad innuendo would be an acceptable way to go about discussing anything with me…ESPECIALLY sex?!

Even now, it still makes me wonder what the fuck they were thinking—feel free to respond on that one, guys.

I think I hustled Dude 2 out the front door pretty quickly. They both knew I was pissed, so there wasn’t much chatting. If I remember correctly, I still banged Dude 1. And then I left in the morning. I don’t think I slept with him again. We never talked about it and honestly I didn’t even think about it for a long time until just recently. I think we were all too embarrassed to bring it up before, but now it’s 5ish years later so…what the hell.

To Dude 1 and Dude 2: Hope yas still love me.

E

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