I’ve Always Just Kind of Understood Sex

Original post date: 8/6/2013

Ever since I can remember, I knew I was kind of different. Always interested in sex…or at least what I thought it was. I think we all went through a short span of time when we thought sex meant kissing and then a man pees inside the woman. If I’m wrong and no one else ever thought that…? Welp, now you know that I did.

When I was a kid, I had a wooden four-post bed. The posts were topped with large wooden spheres and I used to pretend that one of them was my boyfriend and I’d practice kissing it. I also remember just knowing what “sexy” meant and knowing how to be it. I’m not being conceited, but like, dude…I know how to turn it on and off. I never thought it would benefit me (other than in my sexcapades), but this God-given, natural attribute that somehow I embraced and harnessed has led me to exactly where I am right now—but more on that later.

I used to read a lot of Judy Blume. My mom let me because she is a realist and figured that if I was going to learn about it, I might as well read something that is factual rather than absorb the things kids talk about at school. Judy Blume taught me about periods, masturbation, hand-js, blowies, divorce, friendships…I’ve read every one of her books and I am not ashamed of it.

So being a person with such an open, sexual outlook, I lost my virginity pretty early. 14. I was on Adult Friend Finder with my ex at 19. I was a webcam model by 20, then quit that when I was 22 because I got tired of being told to “show ass” and “show tits” and “say my name” and “yeah you fucking whore tell me I’m a piece of shit and that you want to watch me put this in my ass” (actually happened…and I can’t unsee it).

I also got tired of simulating sex. Nobody likes fake sex; it’s condescending. It’s like you’re lying to my face. I’m surprised that soft-core porn still exists—actually I don’t even know…are they still making soft-core porn? God, I hope not. It’s just painful to know that there are people who get off to a dude eating out a chick’s belly button. I mean, who do they think they’re fooling? Homegirl’s vagina is like eight inches south, bro—get a map.



(Somewhat related side note: The other day, I went to a friend’s house while his band was doing a radio show and playing “Is it porn?” In this game, the band members listened to music and had to guess if it was the background music in a porn movie or not (I feel like I didn’t need to explain that). Anyhow, the last one that the DJ played was obviously a big yes on the porn music scale and I was nodding my head like crazy, but all of the band mates said no. Last question the DJ asked: “Anyone want to guess what movie it’s from?” I mumbled “Busty Cops” and the motherfuckin’ DJ was all “The correct answer is Busty Cops 4”. There are no words to describe this victorious moment except complete and utter satisfaction. Fucking nailed it. FUCKING NAILED IT.)

Okay back on track: I’ve slept with many women. I’ve slept with many men. Am I sorry? Sure, about some of them; mainly the ones who I slept with just so they would leave me alone (referring to the dudes of the bunch). And since we’re going down this road: I’m sorry that I don’t remember a lot of them. I tried to write a list once (or five times) and I couldn’t come up with the last…15 or so (maybe more and by maybe I mean I’m not going to say how many…whomp).

The point is that, for me, it’s so fucking easy (no pun intended) to have sex. If I need to get laid, I will get laid. I hear my friends complain about how they need to get laid and I’m just like “Dude, then go out there and find a somewhat acceptable rando to bang out. But the randos are not your boyfriend, mmk? Fuck ‘em and get yours…then bail. It’s easy so stop being an infant and put your vagina to good use.” Do they listen? Of course not. I’m providing a public service here, people. Show some appreciation.

So there’s just a little bit more about me.

One last thing that I wanted to address: I use the word “slut” loosely when referring to myself and my sexcapades; however, I think I should make very clear that I am a responsible adult. I am not a fall down drunk, five abortions down, STD-spreading slut. I’m a classy slut; the kind who carried lube and condoms around in her purse for a short while (it was a weird time…we don’t need to talk about it).

Anyway, that’s all. More soon.


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