“If I wanted to fuck you, I would have.”

Original post date: 9/16/2013

Hello lovies. My apologies for making you wait so long for a new post; I’ve been busy. JK, no I haven’t because I am technically unemployed—unless you count being a Craigslist…uhhh…a Craigslist something unidentifiable…and getting sporadic freelance gigs as employed, which you wouldn’t because it’s not. I’ve never been so fucking bored in my life. I guess I just wasn’t inspired to write anything…until Thursday. And then I was all, “Oh yeah, this will be interesting.” So let us begin.

I met a man who I am going to call “The Radiologist”, because well…he is that. He’s an MD who went to Rutgers and has money literally all over the place (like, I sat on the couch and got up and there’s a $20 bill stuck to my leg). The Radiologist also has horrible ADHD, talks insanely fast, smokes weed…oh and smokes meth. Oddly enough, the meth doesn’t bother me—I was with a guy who used to do it, but I was battling my own addiction at the time (not meth, just to clarify) and it just kind of became the norm to be around it. Much like my ex, The Radiologist doesn’t look like a meth addict. He looks like a normal guy; motherfucker is an MD for Christ’s sake. He’s pretty tall, maybe 6’2”? Kind of balding in the back. Weight bench and free weights in the house, but definitely didn’t look like he’d been using them. (Later, I’d end up seeing his penis and…there’s a FUPA situation.)

(Unrelated side note: I’m typing this in a Word doc and “motherfucker” isn’t underlined with the red squiggly thing. I even have it as one word. I think my motherfucking [ß not underlined] computer is learning enough about me to know that I meant to type it, which makes me actually kind of proud.)

I’d gone to this guy’s house a few nights earlier for a meet-n-greet or whatever and there was another girl already there, which was good because it took off some of the pressure / anxiety. He treated us like princesses; brought us drinks and snacks and just…did everything. The other girl took her top off and went swimming. I stayed clothed. He wanted to talk about money. I didn’t say much and let the other girl do the talking, since she had been there before. He was nice and respectful and gentlemanly; spastic as fuck, but still pretty cool. I left with $140 just for hanging out, getting stoned, and eating snacks for like three hours. He got my number and asked if I’d like to come back sometime. I gave it to him.

Thursday I went to his house at 2. It was hot as commando balls outside so I planned to get in the pool. We smoked a bowl and he went back into his man cave to smoke the other thing. I think he felt weird smoking it in front of me even though I told him like 20 times that it wasn’t a problem. I get it though. I feel like most of the things I said to him didn’t matter anyway, as he was mostly just mumbling to himself and then speaking at me when he slowed down enough to have a minute-long conversation.

I got topless because, ok fine, I know if I at least show him my tits it’ll seem like I give a shit about having a good time rather than just getting money. I hate that guys like this always think you’re there because you can’t find anyone to bang you out proper-like. But no sir, that just isn’t so. I’m here for the money. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I get mine. And I don’t have to get paid for it. Still, whatever, I took my top off. If nothing else, my pasty white skin could use a sunburn that would most likely last for a week and then, ya know, not turn into a tan. I mean, YOLO amIright?

We got in the pool and within five minutes, he pulled one of those awkward, “accidental” underwater-leg-brush moves. I laughed the most annoying laugh ever, like I was into it. “Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheeeeeeheeeeeeeheeeeeeeee…” (Just thinking about it now makes me want to go back in time and kick my own ass), but in my head I was like…

Ah fuck, I'm actually going to have to do something huhAh fuck, I’m actually going to have to do something huh

He grabbed me and kissed me and I immediately pulled away, saying “NOPE” but he lunged forward and pulled me back. Now, one thing you should know about me is that I DO NOT like to be restrained. Not if it feels aggressive or combative in any way. He didn’t mean to be intimidating…I think he thought I really fucking was into it. So I pulled away again and again he grabs me back. That’s when I was like…

…which made him say something along the lines of, “Why fight it? You do see that I’m twice your size right?” and laughed. I stopped moving and raised my eyebrows. He put his hands up as though to surrender and I stared at him for a good 20 seconds before I looked him dead in the eye and said, “I make the rules here. You aren’t allowed to touch me and if you touch me, I am going to walk out the front door. Don’t speak to me like that.” He told me calm down (another thing I hate) and then all of a sudden, he gets even more awkward and wants to talk about money.

I’m just going to say it because god damnit, there’s no use in being shy at this point. I told him he could watch me; $200 and he could watch me do things to myself and he could do things to himself, but there would be no touching of the other person’s self. He agreed and then I went back to the fake-enjoyment-how-much-longer-do-I-have-to-do-this role. He got out of the pool and we are just chatting when he shoves his hand down his pants and starts jerking off…right there…mid conversation…didn’t even miss a beat. I must have looked a little confused because he said, “Oh is it cool if I touch myself while we talk?” So I’m like, “Yeah, no yeah man, do what you gotta do or whatever”, but in my head I’m like…DAFUQ? Y U No ask before you start to jerk off?

Another thing about this guy is that he does the “You ok?” thing constantly between hits from the bong and the glass dick. Example:

The Radioloigist: Do you want anything? You ok?
Me: Yeah I’m great, thank you so much.

5 minutes later…
The Radiologist: So everything ok? You need anything?
Me: Nope everything is still good.

2 minutes later…
The Radiologist: Are you ok? Do you need something?
Me: Dude. Fuckin’ no, I’m fucking fine.

So I tell him that he can watch. I mean, fuckin A, I can easily fake enjoyment while some dude jerks off and then pays me. I did it via webcam for over two years, so…ain’t my first time. I said I’d never go back to cams…and I didn’t; instead, I lay on the floor in the unused weight room with a memory foam mat under me and proceeded to do what (unfortunately) I do best: fake it. I was only topless though, so it’s not like he was just staring at my bare V.

He wanted to talk dirty, which was stupid because I was already bored and mostly just thinking about my agenda for the rest of the day. It’s funny how a man’s face changes when he’s really trying to get you turned on. I don’t take much notice to this face when I’m happy to be doing the sex with someone, but nonetheless, I have seen it many a time and it’s always filled with such…concern? No, that’s not it. Determination, for sure.  Almost like he was planning how to conquer me. It was right then that I decided I would not return—not for any reason in particular, it was just that I couldn’t stop thinking “What the fuck am I doing here with this guy?”

So this went on for about 45 minutes. He kept leaving the room to go smoke more, which was irritating because I knew it would only take him longer to finish. It’s like come on man, put the meth away, you play with your dick more and let’s focus on getting you off so I can shake my ass home.

I won’t go into the remaining jerk-off details, but what I will say is that he got a little intimidating again. So I got pissed and here’s how it went:

Me: I told you not to speak to me like that.
Radiologist: I was just joking, I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable.
Me: Oh that’s funny because you just did when you mentioned your size vs. my size. Again. Don’t. I have a knife in my purse and I will cut you.
He laughed. I did not laugh.

He finished and I was up and clothed within seconds. I felt gross, but I wasn’t going to beat myself up too much because hey, I didn’t have (physical) sex with anyone for money. And maybe some people would say it’s the same thing, but trust me—they are far from the same thing.

I was standing in the kitchen and he comes in with an I’ve-seen-you-naked look on his face and I’m just thinking, Whatever bro, you’re not the first guy who has cum on himself from watching me do that. You ain’t spesh. But of course, I’m polite and such so I did the annoying laugh some more.

At 5ish I told him it was time for me to go. He handed me the money (two crisp $100 bills) which I folded and shoved into my purse. I gave him a hug and as I’m walking out he says to me, “And uh…we will renegotiate once I’m inside.” I wasn’t sure what he meant so I just looked at him, confused. He sort of chuckled and repeated himself.

“We can renegotiate money…once I’m…ya know…inside.” He starts jerking off again. No big deal at all…just playing with his dick. Because that’s normal.

OHHH he means once I let him put his dick in me, right? Inside is like inside my vagina…

Polite-annoying laugh. “You appreciate honesty right? I’m never going to fuck you. And honestly $200 isn’t enough for what I did today.” Annoying laugh, annoying laugh.

“I know you want this cock in you. You know you like to get pounded and you want me to pound you.” He reaches for my hand. I jerk away from him and turn to leave. Vomit.

“I thank you kindly for the money and the free weed and food, but with all due respect, if I wanted to fuck you, I would have. Sorry.”

He laughed. I think he STILL thought I was playing a game with him. Earlier in the day he kept saying that he could just tell I like to get into people’s heads. “The way you fuck is you get inside someone’s head. You’re just trying to figure me out and figure out what I like and then tease me with it.” I am? Oh no no…I just want this to be over and done with as soon as possible. That’s why I’m acting mysterious—so you won’t be able to tell that this isn’t really as fun for me as it is for you.

Anyway, I left. He texted me four times on the way home, none to which I responded. Texted me the next day, I didn’t respond. Texted me yesterday, I didn’t respond. Yeah, I got paid. Yeah, I had to get sort of naked. Yeah, I had to play pretend. But I never have to go back, which is perfect.

I’ve decided that this whole sugar daddy thing isn’t really as awesome as one might think. Maybe it works for some, but in my experience, it’s never really what you thought it would be. When it comes down to it, gentleman or not, these guys are just trying to get their dicks wet and it’s starting to make sense why they need to pay chicks to get it.


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