Original post date: 8/28/2013
I realized that I haven’t been keeping up with my Craigslist experiment—aka the entire reason I decided to start this blog in the first place; my inspiration, if you will—so yesterday I went a-looking and responded to this post…
…with the requested information. Five minutes later, he replied with “Please show me your butt”. That’s right—homeboy couldn’t even be bothered with punctuation. (Listen, I don’t care who you are or what you do, but there is always time for punctuation. That’s just lazy.) However, despite the blatant disregard for a question mark, I sent a picture of my bare ass.
Side note: I feel like I’m more upset about the punctuation than I should be.
Another five minutes pass and I get a phone call from a blocked number. I’m a huge fan of screening calls, so I didn’t answer. (My professional advice: never answer the first phone call from a blocked number; if they call a second time, give it a go.)
Second phone call comes through; I pick up.
OKAY. Before I go any further, I must disclose that the following content is heavy with sexual themes. If you are easily offended, or just a little baby who can’t handle shit, I suggest stopping here. Read at own risk.
Within the first 10 minutes of the conversation, I found out that this man likes to refer to himself as the “100% Dominant Alpha Male”…like he’s a fucking dog; thus I will refer to him as PoundHound™. (Get it? Ya know, pound like fuck. AmIRight? Is this thing on?)
After a bit of bullshitting, he proceeds with an in-depth sexual questionnaire; I could even hear him typing my responses, which made it feel like more of an interrogation than anything. Below is a paraphrased version of the interview—really wish I had a recording of it, but eh.
PoundHound™: So tell me about yourself. How old are you? Where do you live? Do you own a car? What do you do for a living? When are you usually available?
Me: 25. Tempe. Yes I own a car. Freelance writer. Super flexible with availability. (In my head: Oh Jesus fucking Christ, here we go.)
PH™: Have you ever been part of a sugar daddy relationship before? [typing]
Me: No. (Unless you count my unsuccessful Craigslist attempts.)
PH™: Do you have a boyfriend? Girlfriend? Married? Kids?
Me: No. No. No. And no. (Thanks for bringing it up. #foreveralone)
PH™: Are you currently having sex with anyone? How often do you have sex? How often do you masturbate?
Me: Well, I’m a grown ass adult who is sexually active. I get mine. Let’s leave it at that. (I feel like I’m at Planned Parenthood.)
PH™: Would you say you’re dominant or submissive in the bedroom? [more typing]
PH™: Because let me tell you, I am the most extreme of Alpha Males. I am 100% dominant and I will never do what you tell me to do.
Me: Well, uh, I guess I can be both…? I have mostly submissive tendencies, but sometimes…ya know…I don’t know. I mean, I’m not about to start ordering anyone around, but…ya know…I don’t know. (This is a super special kind of power trip, huh.)
PH™: I am an Alpha Male. I like to be in complete control.
Me: Right, you mentioned that.
PH™: What kinds of sex do you like?
Me: I don’t do anal. (I don’t do anal.)
PH™: Okay. [typing] You didn’t answer my question.
Me: Just had to let you know I will not submit to the B. No B. Otherwise: On top. On bottom. From behind. Standing. Sitting. Bed. Floor. Hard. Soft. Whatever, as long as it’s good. I’m throwing a universal answer: Hard dick and legit skills; that’s what kind of sex I like. (New tattoo. Hehjkjkjkjkjkkmsalgjsj.)
PH™: How about oral?
Me: What about it? I’m awesome at giving, but receiving is another story. It’s not often you find a man who really is as good as they claim.
PH™: Oh I’m really good at it.
Me: Yeah. I bet. You and every other man on the planet. But when I DO find a guy who lives up to the expectation…I mean, I could let that happen all day. (Seriously, I’d say that only one out of five men are good at going downtown. Ask any woman. If she denies it, she is a goddamn liar.)
PH™: I might take you up on that. I love doing it. Do you have any fantasies that you’ve never been able to fulfill? [more typing]
Me: Eh…nothing crazy. I like chicks and made that happen a long time ago. Like I said, I get mine.
PH™: You like women…?
Me: Shyeah. Don’t we all? If you don’t love tits in your face, fuck you. I’m pretty open about it.
He goes on to tell me that he will never tolerate any kind of lying and also about one of his current “Submissives” (as he called her), saying that she wants to bang a chick, but they haven’t been able to find a girl who’s down with the ladies, so maybe I’m “the one”.
PH™: She has never lied to me. She does everything I tell her. If I tell her to give me head, she does. If I tell her to suck my balls, she does. If I tell her to lick my ass, she does. No questions asked.
Me: Lemme stop you right there. I am never going to lick anyone’s ass.
Me: Really not sure which part you’re referring to. I don’t mind wearing colored panties or whatever.
PH™: If I had complete control over you. In bed and out of bed. Okay here’s a story for you. I had a girl and I took all of her dildos and toys and told her she was not allowed to masturbate. She was not allowed to have an orgasm unless I was there. Would you like that?
PH™: See? Honesty. I don’t work with that girl anymore because one day I went over to her house to fuck and found a dildo under her mattress. Haven’t talked to her since.
Me: Huh. How about that. (Why were you looking under her mattress…? People don’t just look under each other’s mattresses. That’s not like…a thing.)
Then he asked me if I had a problem with being called any of the following:
- Cum slut
- Nasty bad girl slut
- Cock-loving cum dumpster
Me: No, that’s cool. I can handle it. (I’ve been called worse.)
PH™: So you like cum?
Me: Well, I don’t want to marry it. (Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Have you ever had that stuff on your face? Or in your hair? Or in your belly button? It pools in there, ok? News flash: It sucks. Pun intended.)
Side Note: Talking about cum on faces made me remember a dream I had last night, which I probably had because of my phone call with PoundHound™. I was blowing a nameless, faceless gentleman (and scholar, probably…maybe a doctor…or a millionaire or something) and he came all over my face. But not like a regular amount. Like a gallon of semen…on mah face…and even in my dream it only got more sticky if you tried to get it off with water, as opposed to a dry towel…or a sock.
After PoundHound™ finished his little Q&A he tells me that I’m probably a lot more submissive than I think I am. He also says that if I want to be a “Submissive”, it’s my job to keep him happy; I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, but if I submit, I’ll be happier because he’ll be happier. He has two rules: No lying and no telling him what to do. Because he’s the Alpha Male. He probably doesn’t even support the fact that I can read and vote.
PH™: Now that you know what is expected, I’m going to make it really easy for you. I’m going to give you 10 minutes. If you want to move forward with this arrangement, here’s what I want you to do—go into the bathroom and take two pictures. First take your top off, and then take a picture in the mirror. Then, take your shorts off and leave your panties on, and take another picture in the mirror. Email them to me and I will know that you are interested. If I don’t hear from you in 10 minutes, I’ll assume you opted out.
Me: Okay, so—
PH™: No, be quiet.
Me: Um, I was just going to—
PH™: I said don’t say anything. You’re going to have to submit to that if you want this to work out. [This was said in a sour grapes manner] You have 10 minutes to decide. Bye.
I said nothing. But in my head I was like:
I hung up.
Here’s what happened over the next 10 seconds:
The 10 minutes passed and I didn’t send him anything. He called once. Then emailed me. He called again. Then nothing. Then he called again a few hours later. I emailed him back with a simple message:
You remind me a little too much of:
…thus I am declining your offer. Sincerely,
I’m Not Your Bitch, Esq.
Can you imagine? ME?? 100% submissive? Wouldn’t let me masturbate? That’s like capital punishment. I would never submit to such a thing. Over my dead motherfucking body.
So that was that. I don’t even know why I keep bothering with the Craigslist thing. Yeah, it makes for a funny story, but where’s the dolla billz? I ain’t got nothin’ going on but the rent.